To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
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