i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
