About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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