Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
