Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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