You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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