Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
