I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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