You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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