I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
