If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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