Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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