My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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