Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
