I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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