The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
this just has baby written all over it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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