If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
pray to the hookup gods
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
