Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"