Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got inside last night via doggy door
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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