If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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