I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
