Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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