I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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