Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's the barista slut.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
