youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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