Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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