Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
