the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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