My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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