I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.