have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train