i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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