Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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