I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
