I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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