uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize