Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
