You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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