Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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