I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me