My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish my penis had a tongue
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
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Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
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At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...