It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
