Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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