Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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