so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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