i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
