he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
