he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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