don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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