He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
