apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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