I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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