It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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